Brutally honest
Exams were over on dad's birthday, the second of november. I'm just relieved more than anything. A semester of attending only law lectures, spending time doing practicals 9 hours a week with 3 computer quizzes by each monday, all counting towards the aud3800 grades. Well, yes I have it relatively cheaper.
I suppose every step I take, I learn something new. I learn that I should be more matured in my thinking, not to do things only because it pleases me. I'm used to doing things according to my whim and fancy, treat people following the moods I have, speak my mind for my own purpose- to re-establish the fact that there is really only one 'I' in I. Yes, this year God has moulded me with His awesome power, and He's also brought people into my life as examples for me to look up to.
Along the semester I've frequently wondered, why can't I just be second best. Why do I try so hard to do so well, why do I have to be bothered (or in the past) about which school I go to, the stylish course I get into, the brand names, the achievements. I think these are really good goals to fight for, but when is fighting enough? I think it's enough when you're not focussing on the bigger picture.
Through the second semester, after a hard long semester one of pushing myself to work hard, I realised that I was approaching the big fall from HD grace. Or so I term it. Well, it's grace because as a first year freshie, I don't have it as hard as my seniors or other freshies from more difficult courses. Anyway, there were many times I wanted to give up, or to just let go. And I half-heartedly gave up. I didn't want to bother, didn't want to care so hard. Sure I did my work, but I know I could have done so much better. I hate that part of me you know, that part that doesn't try hard enough, that part that is willing to be a second-to-self.
I wonder many times whether I'm being too hard on myself. I expect the best from people, or more so, I hope that everyone tries their best because I've learnt not to expect. But I've no empathy or compassion if you will, for those who get poor results when I know they haven't been trying hard enough. huo gai, I call it. So the same goes for myself. It's my fault means it really is my fault; it's my life so I take all the responsibility in the end. No matter how much I complain about my circumstances, when I do.
I just talked to my mum earlier on, she asked me how exams were and I just told her the truth. The truth that I didn't try hard enough, that there were so many times I wanted to give up on everything. Maybe drop to a simple (but perhaps not that simple considering honours and phds) science degree, transfer to some ulu medical school, or apply for intermission of a few months off from the course. Such things are popular here- transferring, taking breaks, mature-aged students, it's really nothing new or fascinating.
She set out an analogy for me, with her students as an example. Of how she knows the syllabus at the back of her hand (and really, my mum is the best accounting teacher) (how biased is that since I've never touched accounting :) ) and how she drills her students on the simple exercises because she knows that they need that foundation for a difficult topic next year. Some students complain, I suppose some comply. Then she said to some extent, "How will they be able to do the difficult topic next year when they can't even master the simple one? They need to do well in the simple topic so that they will be prepared for the difficult one next year."
In a way, that really hit me. I always know that God has a bigger picture for me than what I can ever imagine. I've been struggling with God like how Jacob struggled with the angel. Tossing, turning, trying to reverse decisions and calls. But you see, I'm just like my mum's student who proclaimed the simple training to be useless. mei you yi si, as he put it. I know, but I don't do. I try to see, but I don't believe. I see, but I don't see far enough. I think I can, but I'm struggling to understand.
I'm glad I can be honest with my mum. Actually, I'm just glad that I can be honest with somebody. Just to tell a living being that I'm not doing my best. I don't usually reveal my weaknesses or struggles with others very often, especially when I myself do not endorse the position I put myself in. I don't think it's pride. It's more like what Deborah Cobrae said, that sinners know that they are sinners, they don't need someone to tell them that. In the same way, I already know that I'm not doing my best, it stings deeper to admit to someone simply to reiterate my point.
When is enough, enough for you?
I don't think I have my own answer now. Someday I will, so I guess I'll just leave it as that.
You laid aside Your majesty
Gave up everything for me
Suffered at the hands
Of those You have created
You took all my guilt and shame
When You died and rose again
Now today You reign
In heaven and earth exalted
I really want to worship You my Lord
You have won my heart and I am Yours
Forever and ever
I will love You
You are the only one who died for me
Gave Your life to set me free
So I lift my voice to You
In adoration
I love You. I really do.
